I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
