I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
