He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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