the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
