I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
