I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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