How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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