I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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