she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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