The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
