I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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