Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
