Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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