I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
