it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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