Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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