so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i love accidental penises.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
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repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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