Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
