so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
