I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
