Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
