Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
