oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
