If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
