I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
did you just send me my own nude
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
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