I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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