everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I wish there were birth control emojis
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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