the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
