Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
