Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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