I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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