woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
