My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
