you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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