Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
