i'm signing you up for texting rehab
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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