Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
