worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
