Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
