new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
