Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3