i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch