I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
