I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
