I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
