Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
