the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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