Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
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Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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