nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
