Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
