I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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