Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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