im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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